Coming Into The Presence Of Still Water

on feeling indifferent

The Peace Of Wild Things

When despair grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting for their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.

Wendell Berry

Self Portrait Double Exposure

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The above poem is one of my absolute favorites. Admittedly, I have quite a few favorites, but Wendell Berry’s ‘The Peace of Wild Things’ is one I come back to over and over again. 

Of course, it resonates deeply. I am raising two teenagers in a world of increasing despair and chaos and an uncertain future. Lying awake in the middle of the night has become a common side effect of parenting at times.

Last week, I went to one of my favorite nature reserve areas about 15 minutes from our house with my youngest who was recovering from a 24 hour stomach bug. I thought a walk in the woods on a beautiful, warm, sunny autumn afternoon would do us both good. We were admiring all the different shades of red and orange leaves against the clear blue sky. It was quiet and peaceful.

‘My legs still feel noodly,’ my son says.

‘I like that word,’ I respond with a smile. ‘It’s a perfect expression for how one’s legs feel after vomiting all night.’

We continued walking in silence, pointing out particularly beautiful colored trees as we went along - crimson red, rusty red, greenish yellow, and various shades of orange. 

I stood still for a minute to take it all in. A nearly overwhelming sense of peace and contentment overcame me. ‘This makes sense to me,’ I thought.

Self Portrait with leaf

With the American election coming up and looming over this entire world, I have to once again limit my consumption of news. Lately, I have noticed somewhat of an indifferent attitude in myself. I can’t vote as I am not a citizen. Every four years, I realize that now would be the perfect time to start the process of gaining American citizenship. But as I don’t want to give up my German one, the process is a bit more complicated, and so I haven’t done it yet. 

And then, after every election is over, I forget about it until the next one. 

Indifference according to dictionary.com means, ‘without interest or concern; not caring; apathetic.’

This is not exactly a state I find myself in often. And, I believe, it’s not entirely the truth, but somewhat of a coping mechanism for dealing with current life. And indifference towards some things in life doesn’t mean indifference towards everything.

Attending my son’s football game? Highest priority.

Playing a math game with my other son (who is homeschooling this year), and exploring some more interesting facts about ancient Egypt, reading poetry and listening to him read his essay about our trip to Europe last year? Highest priority. 

Going on a family hike and afterwards splurging a bit by getting dinner in a favorite restaurant? Highest priority.

Taking walks with my best friend a.k.a. our Labrador Clementine in the woods? Highest priority.

Taking a nap? Highest priority.

Do you see what I mean? I don’t know, but for the time being I have stopped caring less about what I can’t control or change, about what seems too overwhelming, and instead caring even more about what’s right in front of me. 

Last week, I was working on a post to publish, but as you may or may not have noticed, I never did. I didn’t care enough to put in the extra effort, but instead chose to take a two hour nap. 

It felt right.

Maybe what I perceive as indifference is more avoidance or denial, but it seems to be working for me right now. I felt exhausted last week trying to keep up with everything - homeschooling, teaching, worrying about the world and personal issues, finances, keeping the house cleanish, taking care of myself, keeping up with photography, and so on. I kind of seemed to hit a wall until I heard a strong call to rest. So, I listened to it. 

Maybe what I perceive as indifference is slowing down instead of hustling.

Maybe what I perceive as indifference is setting priorities straight. 

Maybe what I perceive as indifference is doing the best I can but not expecting perfection.

Maybe what I perceive as indifference is searching for what makes sense to me right now and letting go of what doesn’t.

Maybe what I perceive as indifference is letting go of the thought that I am not good enough for anyone or anything. 

Maybe what I perceive as indifference is realizing that my inherent value is not dependent on how much I am liked or disliked by others or by how much I have accomplished on any given day. 

Maybe what I perceive as indifference is continuously realizing that ‘coming into the presence of still water’ and ‘seeking out the peace of wild things’ is one of the only things that makes sense to me right now. 

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An Important Announcement

Last week I started teaching a new workshop on multiple exposures with the LA Center of Photography and a wonderful group of quite talented photographers, and I have come, once again, to the conclusion that sharing work and receiving feedback is such an important part of the creative process, an important part of learning, teaching and of being an artist. Yes, I give a one hour long presentation and teach and talk about specific things each session, but the review part, where everyone shares their newest images, is the most inspiring time and so helpful for everyone participating, including myself (even though I am the one giving most of the feedback and suggestions). A lot of times when a workshop ends, students ask if there is any way we could keep going and continue to share work. And that’s where I received the idea of using this platform to host once a month ‘creative hour’ for review, feedback, discussions on creativity, vision, techniques, and more.

Finding a time that works for everyone is obviously tricky, but I decided that I simply need to pick a time that currently works best for me: once a month on a Saturday at 11 am CST. If things go well, we can always adjust the day and timing or even add a second option during the week, but here is where it will start. Our first date will be Saturday, November 16th!

This Zoom session will be accessible for paid subscribers only.

If there is a hesitation to subscribe or you are simply not able to for any reason (no questions asked), please send me a private message and we can figure something else out.

I will send out reminders in my following newsletters.

Until then, have a wonderful weekend!