I hate that you had to pretend that you were okay. All the times when we pass on the stair and say to the enquirer “I’m fine, how are you?” when we probably both want to scream. The world doesn’t stop spinning, but sometimes you want to get off.
Yup. I have to be honest with you. I think it would have been easier to postpone if I was living in Europe. American mentality is different, but, then again, I did it.
Manuela, I don't know the students of your class personally, but if you had cancelled or postponed things under the circumstances, I think people would be very accepting and understanding. Yes, we live in a culture where people expect others to be reliable. In the aggregate, I think that's a good thing. Being reliable provides support and comfort to those around us; being unreliable is problematic in a number of ways. But at the same time, when something BIG happens, almost everybody will rally to support us. Those who don't, oh well, I can't be responsible for their lack of care. You find out who's who, too.
You went through a traumatic, personal event. If I had been in a position to counsel you, I would’ve encouraged you to postpone your event — for both your sake (of course!) as well as those attending. Maybe I’ve lived in Norway too long, thinking this way, as I’m certain I would’ve pushed myself to go through with such an event if such a situation had occurred to me before I moved and was still in the states. I hope you are finding the space to heal from your trauma.
You experienced a trauma and your body and mind keep reminding you of it. Be patient with yourself and ask others to do the same. Photo walks and listening to music (but not relaxing -- that will only make things worse -- something like black metal (Deafheaven, for example, or Mayhem) or avant garde (John Zorn, for instance, or Ceramic Dog) usually helps me. Something that keeps you focused and at the same time rocking your mental cage to shake that piece of glass out of your shoe, so you can walk again pain free.
I think that people would have understood your need to cancel the course. But I also understand the drive to just 'keep calm and carry on'. We live in a culture that values performance of strength. We think it's admirable. We think it's brave. Mind over matter. Well, like the famous book title says: the body keeps the score. I know that you know you need to let your body process the shock properly. Much love x
I agree that people need time to process and recover after going through a traumatic experience. I am sure you will continue to deal with all that has happened for awhile. These type of experiences are not ones you simply get over really. Please allow yourself to be human and rest. Praying for you!
there is another side of all of this: if somebody asks us if we are ok, we generally tend to reply with a yes even when that is not true. especially when that somebody is not a close person. but if i reply with a no, i don't expect compassion (that will be the first reaction), i expect to be just left alone and that never happens. so a false "yes" it is.
I am not a fan of labels, because that implies sameness, and we all know we don’t react the same to the same experiences. Good for you for pushing through, though at the same time I do believe the attendees would have understood, had you cancelled saying simply ‘personal emergency’. I am reminded of getting up for 7 AM flights… nobody thanks you, and there is no tombstone that reads: she worked hard!
I think it's easier for people when they can rely on social conventions. Most of us are so occupied with our own lives that we don't have the capacity for all the nuances. So if someone survives, the response becomes, "You can do it." Only when someone dies do we collectively recognize that something truly serious has happened.
One thing that also came to mind is that social contact often lifts me up. I don't know if I've ever been in a situation like the one you described, but being around other people usually helps. How did you feel after the class?
By the way, your retro self-portraits fit the text beautifully.
Hey, thanks so much for your comment. I always appreciate your thoughts. I felt numb after my class, relieved it was over. I was certainly not proud or felt better. I just was dying to get back to the hospital as quickly as possible.
I think you are definitely right that people are two preoccupied, but I think we should question less why people might need to postpone something or need a break from something. I don't think people need to know everything in order to be understanding. I think that our society thrives on continuing to function, and as much as that can be a good thing, I think it can also cause a lot of damage and burn out. But I am mostly not sure about anything that I put out here, and always open to hear what others think, so thanks for your the comment.
Dear Manuela, I was deeply touched by your post and am so sorry that everyday life barged into your tender space and asserted itself. We're not good at supporting grieving people, and we're certainly no less adept at supporting people who are dealing with something traumatic. There's always loss involved with trauma, as things are never the same afterwards. We are never the same. Something had been fractured. Even when everyone survives, something has changed. We become acutely aware of how vulnerable we are, how fragile this life is, how quickly something precious can disappear. Those moments when we are forced to reckon with these truths are so scary and take time to recover from. I'm sending you so much love. xoxo
Oh honey. I wholeheartedly agree with a lot of these comments. Trauma is trauma, no matter what the outcome. Your body processes in its own way, at its own speed and its own time. I'd like to believe that if I had been enrolled in your class, I would have completely understood (and encouraged) postponement. But I would have also understood if you showed up, doing the best you were able to do, given the circumstances. Performing competence under stress isn't healthy, or useful to anyone.
Also, I know that our situations are very different (no one's life was in danger in mine, but my body simply did not know the difference) - but for two months, I felt useless to just about everyone around me. And I kept beating myself up about this too. The guilt just compounded every time I had to show up and/or rationalise it for people who simply could not understand. In the end, I had to show myself the same compassion that I wanted so desperately from others. I hope you are able to be kind to yourself, dear Manuela. You have been through a lot. x
We are so good at pretending everything is fine, to not let anyone think otherwise. I know, I am pretty good at it. But for me it ended with a burn out. So please, take good care of yourself! And allow yourself to be not okay! ♥️
Thanks for writing about processing shock and what our culture (and ourselves) expect to be "appropriate" responses. I know that sometimes if I "forge" ahead with whatever was on the calendar regardless of my desire to stay in bed and just "be" with my feelings - I do actually feel better...lighter...more energetic. But I am still learning how to take the time I need to process these situations that turn out to be not as perhaps dramatic as our culture acknowledges like you say...a death in the family....or another "recognized" tragedy. I find it much more challenging to acknowledge my feelings and give space in my life to process them.....I know my photography helps with this -- really feeling the need to get my camera out and go make some pictures somewhere - of anything just to get myself flowing....and out of my head. It's one of the ways I process....even though I'm also learning to give "names" to my feelings not just images! That being said -- I love the image you made of showing your torso and hands with the torn screen -- I actually felt like I could lift up that little hole in the screen -- seeing beyond...connecting beyond -- wonderful photograph.
There's also the case that many people are programmed to have a 'be strong' or 'never give up' driver which can, in the right circumstances, be good for us, but in cases like this can be damaging to us mentally and physically. In the past I'd just keep going but there have been one or two times where I've had to challenge these 'norms' and nurture myself instead.
Well done for getting through the course Manuela, I hope that your husbands recovery continues smoothly and that you too are taking time to nurture yourself now. Sending healing energy.
I've been thinking of you Manuela and wanting to reach out, torn as well because I knew what a tremendous situation you were in and was imagining the flurry of emotions. So thank you for posting this. Yes, it makes complete sense to me that you're somatically responding to what happened. 100% sense. In fact, I was in awe of you keeping with your commitment. I don't know. I might have lost face. That takes a LOT of strength. Be gentle with yourself. Sending lots of hugs!
I hate that you had to pretend that you were okay. All the times when we pass on the stair and say to the enquirer “I’m fine, how are you?” when we probably both want to scream. The world doesn’t stop spinning, but sometimes you want to get off.
Yup. I have to be honest with you. I think it would have been easier to postpone if I was living in Europe. American mentality is different, but, then again, I did it.
Manuela, I don't know the students of your class personally, but if you had cancelled or postponed things under the circumstances, I think people would be very accepting and understanding. Yes, we live in a culture where people expect others to be reliable. In the aggregate, I think that's a good thing. Being reliable provides support and comfort to those around us; being unreliable is problematic in a number of ways. But at the same time, when something BIG happens, almost everybody will rally to support us. Those who don't, oh well, I can't be responsible for their lack of care. You find out who's who, too.
Definitely. Thanks for your comment!
You went through a traumatic, personal event. If I had been in a position to counsel you, I would’ve encouraged you to postpone your event — for both your sake (of course!) as well as those attending. Maybe I’ve lived in Norway too long, thinking this way, as I’m certain I would’ve pushed myself to go through with such an event if such a situation had occurred to me before I moved and was still in the states. I hope you are finding the space to heal from your trauma.
Unfortunately, it is different in Europe. I don’t know for sure, but I really feel like I couldn’t do anything about it here.
I did it, and everything is fine, but it does make me think about the society we live in a lot.
You experienced a trauma and your body and mind keep reminding you of it. Be patient with yourself and ask others to do the same. Photo walks and listening to music (but not relaxing -- that will only make things worse -- something like black metal (Deafheaven, for example, or Mayhem) or avant garde (John Zorn, for instance, or Ceramic Dog) usually helps me. Something that keeps you focused and at the same time rocking your mental cage to shake that piece of glass out of your shoe, so you can walk again pain free.
Thanks for your kind comment.
I think that people would have understood your need to cancel the course. But I also understand the drive to just 'keep calm and carry on'. We live in a culture that values performance of strength. We think it's admirable. We think it's brave. Mind over matter. Well, like the famous book title says: the body keeps the score. I know that you know you need to let your body process the shock properly. Much love x
Thanks for the love! I appreciate it.
Thank you Manuela for challenging and bringing to light cultural norms that distract us from paying attention to what we actually need.
Thanks my dear friend!
I agree that people need time to process and recover after going through a traumatic experience. I am sure you will continue to deal with all that has happened for awhile. These type of experiences are not ones you simply get over really. Please allow yourself to be human and rest. Praying for you!
Thank you, Sarah!
there is another side of all of this: if somebody asks us if we are ok, we generally tend to reply with a yes even when that is not true. especially when that somebody is not a close person. but if i reply with a no, i don't expect compassion (that will be the first reaction), i expect to be just left alone and that never happens. so a false "yes" it is.
Yeah, sometimes it like that.
I am not a fan of labels, because that implies sameness, and we all know we don’t react the same to the same experiences. Good for you for pushing through, though at the same time I do believe the attendees would have understood, had you cancelled saying simply ‘personal emergency’. I am reminded of getting up for 7 AM flights… nobody thanks you, and there is no tombstone that reads: she worked hard!
Thanks, Soren!
I think it's easier for people when they can rely on social conventions. Most of us are so occupied with our own lives that we don't have the capacity for all the nuances. So if someone survives, the response becomes, "You can do it." Only when someone dies do we collectively recognize that something truly serious has happened.
One thing that also came to mind is that social contact often lifts me up. I don't know if I've ever been in a situation like the one you described, but being around other people usually helps. How did you feel after the class?
By the way, your retro self-portraits fit the text beautifully.
Hey, thanks so much for your comment. I always appreciate your thoughts. I felt numb after my class, relieved it was over. I was certainly not proud or felt better. I just was dying to get back to the hospital as quickly as possible.
I think you are definitely right that people are two preoccupied, but I think we should question less why people might need to postpone something or need a break from something. I don't think people need to know everything in order to be understanding. I think that our society thrives on continuing to function, and as much as that can be a good thing, I think it can also cause a lot of damage and burn out. But I am mostly not sure about anything that I put out here, and always open to hear what others think, so thanks for your the comment.
I think you're right, Manuela. Ee should be more understanding without needing to know the whole story. Wishing you strength and a smooth recovery.
Dear Manuela, I was deeply touched by your post and am so sorry that everyday life barged into your tender space and asserted itself. We're not good at supporting grieving people, and we're certainly no less adept at supporting people who are dealing with something traumatic. There's always loss involved with trauma, as things are never the same afterwards. We are never the same. Something had been fractured. Even when everyone survives, something has changed. We become acutely aware of how vulnerable we are, how fragile this life is, how quickly something precious can disappear. Those moments when we are forced to reckon with these truths are so scary and take time to recover from. I'm sending you so much love. xoxo
Thank you! Your words mean a lot.
Oh honey. I wholeheartedly agree with a lot of these comments. Trauma is trauma, no matter what the outcome. Your body processes in its own way, at its own speed and its own time. I'd like to believe that if I had been enrolled in your class, I would have completely understood (and encouraged) postponement. But I would have also understood if you showed up, doing the best you were able to do, given the circumstances. Performing competence under stress isn't healthy, or useful to anyone.
Also, I know that our situations are very different (no one's life was in danger in mine, but my body simply did not know the difference) - but for two months, I felt useless to just about everyone around me. And I kept beating myself up about this too. The guilt just compounded every time I had to show up and/or rationalise it for people who simply could not understand. In the end, I had to show myself the same compassion that I wanted so desperately from others. I hope you are able to be kind to yourself, dear Manuela. You have been through a lot. x
Thank you, dear Erica!
We are so good at pretending everything is fine, to not let anyone think otherwise. I know, I am pretty good at it. But for me it ended with a burn out. So please, take good care of yourself! And allow yourself to be not okay! ♥️
Thank you, Susanne!
Thanks for writing about processing shock and what our culture (and ourselves) expect to be "appropriate" responses. I know that sometimes if I "forge" ahead with whatever was on the calendar regardless of my desire to stay in bed and just "be" with my feelings - I do actually feel better...lighter...more energetic. But I am still learning how to take the time I need to process these situations that turn out to be not as perhaps dramatic as our culture acknowledges like you say...a death in the family....or another "recognized" tragedy. I find it much more challenging to acknowledge my feelings and give space in my life to process them.....I know my photography helps with this -- really feeling the need to get my camera out and go make some pictures somewhere - of anything just to get myself flowing....and out of my head. It's one of the ways I process....even though I'm also learning to give "names" to my feelings not just images! That being said -- I love the image you made of showing your torso and hands with the torn screen -- I actually felt like I could lift up that little hole in the screen -- seeing beyond...connecting beyond -- wonderful photograph.
Thank you so much!
There's also the case that many people are programmed to have a 'be strong' or 'never give up' driver which can, in the right circumstances, be good for us, but in cases like this can be damaging to us mentally and physically. In the past I'd just keep going but there have been one or two times where I've had to challenge these 'norms' and nurture myself instead.
Well done for getting through the course Manuela, I hope that your husbands recovery continues smoothly and that you too are taking time to nurture yourself now. Sending healing energy.
Thank you, Lin!
I've been thinking of you Manuela and wanting to reach out, torn as well because I knew what a tremendous situation you were in and was imagining the flurry of emotions. So thank you for posting this. Yes, it makes complete sense to me that you're somatically responding to what happened. 100% sense. In fact, I was in awe of you keeping with your commitment. I don't know. I might have lost face. That takes a LOT of strength. Be gentle with yourself. Sending lots of hugs!
Thank you, Juliette!