Dear Reader,
I started my Substack to share my photography, write about art, creativity, and connection, but above all about what it means to be human. I am interested in truthful exploration of our shared human experiences, the good, the bad and everything in between. In addition, it is always the duality of life that I find fascinating, namely, how can life be so beautiful and so painful all at once?
The world events have been weighing heavily on me this week, not in a “I am so depressed and can’t get out of bed and not function” kind of way, but in a way that, I believe, I needed to feel. Gaza, Israel, Ukraine, the continued polarization over anything and everything, and the looming prospect of another Trump presidency. I cannot fathom.
Over the last months I have stayed away from the news as much as possible, because it is so much - too much. But, I have noticed an increased desire to learn and listen, and learning and listening involves facing the realities and not turning away from them. It involves choosing my sources wisely and taking things in smaller doses, and so far that has been working. I have been listening and learning.
For as long as I can remember, I have always felt a lot. At times, I feel the heavy weight of the entire world falling apart. This might sound dramatic to some, but it’s the only way I can describe it. In the past, I probably would have fallen apart myself, and I have to be aware and protective of myself when I follow the constant news of human suffering. But lately, I have noticed that I have been able to carry the sadness over this world without falling apart myself, not always, but for the most part. This is huge for me.
It is scary to face and feel the darkness. Some of us avoid those feelings, distracting ourselves from them or shutting them down. It makes sense to me, but I have never been able to do that very well. I have always been very sensitive to pain and suffering, sensing it, feeling it, taking it in. I used to think there was something wrong with me. I don’t anymore. I stopped believing in those lies a while ago. Knowing that I am not the only one, I have come to accept this part of my personality and I have acknowledged it as something that can be a weakness, but also a great strength and a gift. I have found tools that can support me and stare the darkness in the face without being swallowed up by it. I have found the ability to use my intense feelings as a source for creating beauty and bringing it into this world.
As I have been exploring the answer to this question, I have come to realize that it is a skill to hold both, a skill that can be learned, and practiced. I have come to realize that feeling the immense pain and darkness of this world doesn’t mean that you have to shut out the good. Not at all. I think we are capable of holding so much more than we may think. I think I am capable of holding more than I thought.
This week, as I have been letting myself be sad, and at the same time I have been observing and paying attention to my surroundings and be more present. As I have been learning and letting the darkness get closer, I have noticed more beauty, more love, and more light as well. As I have been opening myself up to see the immense suffering, I have also been opening myself up to more love and empathy.
I wanted to share these thoughts with you today. So often we feel helpless and don’t know what we can do. And the reality is, that most of the time there isn’t much we can do.
I admire the people that face danger to help others, that turn their outrage and distress into activism and concrete help. I admire the people who risk their lives everyday to bring help to those who need it most. The reality is that most of us are living in our own small worlds and are often not able to do the same. But maybe we can in smaller ways. We can help when help is needed, we can grieve with those who grieve, we can let someone cry and simply be with them. We can let someone be sad without trying to fix it. We can allow ourselves to be upset while still holding on to love and beauty.
Like Rainer Maria Rilke famously said: “Let everything happen to you. Beauty and terror.”
We need the feelers in this world just as much as everyone else. It’s ok to feel.
Thanks for sharing your heart and being so transparent. I think that the most difficult thing for me is to allow myself to feel those deep and hard feelings without trying to always want to FIX them. It’s good just to feel and accept and love and care.
This is wonderfully poignant. I am so grateful I have been introduced to your writing and creative photography through your workshops