As we are going through the month of August, we are anticipating much change. My older son is moving to college, only five miles away from us, but moving out of our home and beginning a new chapter nonetheless. I am processing all this with excitement and with grief. It is bittersweet, as so much of what we experience in life is. Eighteen years have gone by fast, and I have been realizing that the time our children live with us under the same roof is rather short compared to the rest of their and our lives. And remembering that besides providing safety and unconditional love for them, our main job as parents is to prepare them for the launch into the world of adulthood.
I didn’t expect all the self doubt coming up inside of me about what I did right, or rather didn’t do right as his mother. We certainly tried. Two imperfect people became parents more than eighteen years ago, and we have been winging it ever since. Every year has been filled with joy and filled with challenges. Now looking back, I don’t remember too many of the challenges. Well, some, I admit, but what I remember mostly is the privilege and gift it has been to have him be part of our everyday life. What I remember well is the incredibly cute baby and toddler he was. What I remember mostly is how much richer my life became with him in it.
He arrived in the midst of me experiencing deep grief after the loss of my brother. He came into our lives and brought so much love, beauty, energy and joy into my broken heart. How can a heart be broken into a million pieces and filled with so much love at the same time? Apparently, it is possible. I know that it is. Deep grief exists because of deep love. And when experiencing grief, there is always room for even more love.
It is a bittersweet time. He is ready. I can see it. I am… not as ready as he is, but that’s ok. We will adjust. We will miss him every day while at the same time being grateful that we will get to see him more often than if he was hundreds or thousands of miles away, I hope. Regardless, we will be here if and when he needs us.
My younger son, after one year of homeschooling, is going back to school, a completely new school that is unfamiliar to all of us, but was recommended by some friends. We made this decision after agonizing over it for weeks. I am serious when I say that I can still feel the knots in my stomach from having to make this decision. We made it together, me, my husband and my son, after many conversations and considerations. Going back to school is what he wants, and I am proud of him for that. I am excited for him and with him. I am very nervous about it, too, but I am trying to hide it as best as I can.
After several unhappy and, dare I say, traumatic years in middle school, and one gentle and wholesome year of homeschooling and recovery, he deserves a fresh start, and he deserves that we, his parents, believe that he can do it, that he can go to a new school, make new friends and have a good experience. We have to believe that it is possible for him just like it was for his brother. And we will be here, ready to support him throughout it all.
I don’t like change; or rather, I don’t like the transitioning period towards change. Ironically, I moved around a lot when I was young, then I left my country and moved to a new country. Change was a constant in my life for many years, and I don’t think I was or am very good at it. My fear of change has often overridden the benefits of it. And with that, I think I have made my life harder than it had to be at times.
Change is good. Change is necessary. Change is inevitable.
With change, there is always loss, loss of the familiar, loss of something that is good, and with loss always comes some grief.
Of course, change can also mean change of a bad situation into a better one. It goes both ways, but, I think, most of the time change means moving on from something good and stepping into something that is also good. We can’t have it all. We have to make decisions, and with every change we not only leave something behind but also gain something new.
Change invites growth. Change opens us to new possibilities. Change is the practice of letting go and taking a step into the unfamiliar places we have never ventured into before. Change is challenging and change is beautiful.
As I am navigating all these transitions, summer has been flying by. It has been filled with beautiful moments, but I can’t deny that it has been a tough summer for me due to various inner battles and invisible burdens. Times of transition are never easy. My sleep has been restless, my soul has been longing for peace. Time keeps moving. Life continues on. We keep living through its impermanence.
During these last couple of weeks before school starts, we are trying to spend as much family time together as possible. I am cherishing the moments of peace and calm. The other night, we were all hanging out in the living room (which is rare these days), and my boys were playing a game of chess, the older one teaching the younger one.
When they were little, they used to bicker a lot, but now that they are friends, I love observing the patience with which my older one explains all the different moves and rules of this complex game to my younger son.
I walk upstairs to get my camera and start capturing some images. My older son asks: “Why are you taking pictures?”
I answer: “I want to remember this moment, but also, chess is such a beautiful game.”
I can see him thinking about it for a second and then he says: “Actually, you are right, chess is a beautiful game.”
As he goes out into this world, I hope that among all the challenges life will undoubtedly throw at him, he will always make time to pause and notice the beauty in the small and ordinary moments of life.
Items Of Note
This week I was part of the Darkrooms Uncovered series which is published every week by
.You can read the interview here.
Beautifully written, Manuela!
So much change to come… wishing your family all the best!
This is such a beautiful, open and honest post Manuela, and beautiful photos as well! Change is always challenging but when your kids move into a new phase in their lives it can be so difficult to accept that they are growing and changing. When our daughter went to university and then moved out to her own place it felt quite empty here but now, that time seems a lifetime away. She has grown and we have an even better, more adult relationship with her. Wishing both your sons well as they step out onto their new paths.